Half Full, Half Empty

Is this how life’s meant to make you feel?

Half full, half empty?

I don’t know how to feel anymore..

I’m not happy but,

I’m not sad either.

Everything’s going well but it’s not at the same time..

Sometimes I feel feelings of happiness that rush through my body. Feelings of excitement and hope for the future,

And sometimes I feel so sad, I start to doubt myself and believe that I won’t be able to carry on or achieve anything else.

I wish that this feeling would go away..

This familiar feeling of emptiness and fulfilment, at the same time.

I don’t think anyone understands how it feels to feel like this.

You feel numb but you feel full.

You feel happy but you feel like somethings missing.

I still haven’t found an explanation for this feeling,

But I’m guessing it’s a part of life.

I guess I feel like this because this is all part of my journey?

Or maybe I’m feeling like this because I’m living life wrong?

I will never know.. I can only just assume

For those in the same position as me who feel half empty, half full or both at the same time.. I wish I could give a logical explanation as to why we feel like this..

But I can’t because I have no idea, I just hope we get through life and eventually find a happiness that is permanent.

– s0ulsfay x

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Untitled.

For the last couple of months, my thoughts have been “untitled” so that’s what this post will be. Untitled.

At the beginning of the year, I thought “ah another year, I wonder what it’ll bring to me” mainly because all the years have been quite the same for me goal wise. I’ve set a goal, said I’d achieve it and then ended up forgetting about it or delaying it until further notice. But this year, it’s been different. I’ve actually achieved my goals or been in the process of doing so.

For whoever’s reading this right now, it’s okay if you haven’t achieved any of your 2018 goals… you’ve still got time and it will not be the end of the world if you haven’t.

This year so far, I’ve learned so much about myself. I’ve learned about my love language (not necessarily applying to love) but life and friendships in general and I’ve also learned to take care of my inner self more. I’ve learned to give myself the love that I so freely give to others whilst also not neglecting those around me.

I’m still developing and growing as a person and I’ve acknowledged that making mistakes is not ever a bad thing but always a good thing. Why? Because you can learn from it and avoid doing it again.

One of the main things that has also allowed me to call this year special so far is my relationship with God. I’ve always believed in God and been conscious of him but as bad as it sounds I barely ever made time for him apart from when I needed something. This years showed me that I need to be more consistent with my relationship with God and it’s not all about taking from him as I too need to give something back – my TIME.

I know many people are in the same position that I once was and sometimes still are but you can develop from it. Just remember that God will never neglect you, he’ll always be there and he is patient. Also remember that it is a two way thing just like any other relationship – he gives so you need to give too. Whether that be your time in prayer or just a simple “thank you God for…”

I haven’t been consistent this year with my blog and that’s mainly been due to writers block and not having any ideas on what to write about BUT I hope whoever’s reading this takes something away and spends the rest of their year being productive and great.

– s0ulsfay.

This Year I Will..

I want to start this post by saying that 2018 is your year, 2018 is what you make it.

No one is going to make your year amazing or the way you want it to go because no one knows the personal goals you’ve set for yourself.

Let your “this year I will” turn into “this year I did” by focusing on you and you only. Being selfish with your time and your energy and actually taking steps to achieve what YOU have always wanted to achieve.

Buy a diary for yourself, record every goal you’ve ever wanted to achieve into that diary. No matter how big or how small.

Work towards your goal.

If you’re not a diary person, write your goals into your notes app on your phone.

Small things like that will make you feel good about yourself.

You’ll look back at the end of this year and say to yourself “I’ve actually achieved a lot, things I thought I’d never achieve”

The “goals” you set yourself shouldn’t only be based on important things but things that you’ve always wanted to do.

For example, if you’ve always wanted to go rock climbing, do it.

Jet skiing? Do it.

YouTube channel? Do it.

Writing a book? Do it.

Everything you want to achieve starts with you first.

And please please please, don’t stop yourself from starting or doing ANYTHING because of the fear of other people. You’ll only go 10 steps back.

Some of you may read this and think, we’re in February.. I should’ve started this in January but whether you start today, next week or next month at least you’ve started and at least you took that step.

So, make your 2018 turn into “this year I did..” instead of “this year I should have..” by starting now, keeping at it and remembering your years what you make it.

p.s I know this post sounds like some sort of ad but it’s not.. have a great year!!

Don’t Feel Disheartened

If you’re wondering this isn’t going to be one of those poetic posts again. I’ve kind of had enough of them myself but in this post, what I want to explain to those of you reading this is why you should never feel disheartened.

Here’s why..

Whether it’s education, your craft or just life in general, nobody understands why you do what you do.

There are a lot of critiques in this world and they’ll try to come and dishearten you and make you feel like shit.

They will try to come and de motivate you.. why? Because they can’t do what you’re doing, the way you do it.

Okay, that assignment you got a bad grade in, you’re disheartened. I understand. But try harder, keep pushing because it’s better to get something wrong the first couple of times and learn from it than continuously get it wrong.

That craft you’re working so hard on but nobody seems to be noticing, it’s fine. Keep shining. As long as YOU know you’re doing well, it shouldn’t matter what other people think.

The right time will come where the right people will notice.

The greatest things take time.

Easier said than done but trust me, don’t feel disheartened.

Nobody sees your vision the way you do. That’s what makes it YOUR vision.

Your parents aren’t happy with the path you’ve chosen for yourself. They might not want you to do that course at university or they may be unhappy that you’re not going to university as a whole.

This might be disheartening and this may put you down but I think that’s the worst thing you could do.

Yes you want to make your parents proud.

Yes you want to be successful.

But who said you need a uni degree to be successful?

Who said you need your parents to path your way for you?

Are you trying to make your parents happy or yourself?

At the end, you may realise that making your own decisions was worth it but you may also feel that you’ve wasted your time and that’s fine.

Look at the positives – you tried. See that as an achievement in itself.

This year if anything has showed me that there are plenty times that people or other things will make you feel disheartened but it’s what you do after feeling disheartened that matters.

Will I make this feeling make me? Or will I make it break me? That’s what you need to ask yourself.

I myself get disheartened quite a lot and my motivation tends to go but recently I’ve tried to remind myself that this is my journey. Everything can’t be perfect. It’s impossible and to just keep trying and pushing because the more obstacles that come my way.. the better my story will be to others out there feeling the same.

This post wasn’t the most amazing post but I really do hope it helps some of you who feel disheartened and whose motivation comes and goes like mine because of the comments of other people or just one low moment.

I promise you your hard work will pay off. If not today, sooner than you think.

Where Have I Been?

It’s been a long time since I’ve written or even written in this style but the question a lot of people have been asking me is “where have you been”, “what’s happened to your blog” “don’t you write anymore” but when it comes to actually answering those questions I don’t know how to..

It’s been quite a few bumpy months for me and I usually try to forget about what’s going on by writing whenever I feel like everything’s too much but it’s weird because recently that hasn’t worked as a coping mechanism. But what I’ve wondered is maybe that “coping mechanism” is no longer my way of coping anymore.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been asking myself whether I should continue with my blog and these posts and maybe some of you have noticed, whilst others haven’t but I’ve been a bit MIA with my blog. Me going MIA on here was partially on purpose but also because I’ve been having to sort out a lot of stuff.

This was a quick post/update that I thought had to be written.

If you’re going through a lot right now, you’ll get through it! Just hang in there and just know that your current situation won’t be a permanent one.

Oh and yes, I’m officially back x

Wounds Heal

Wounds heal,

It may not feel like it

It may not look like it

But they do.

Just believe that things will get better

Day by day

Make the most out of life,

Make the most out of your experiences as they are the only character shaper in life.

They’ll prepare you for better

And mould you to cope with the worst

Through all that keep faith

Even if you don’t believe in God,

Just have that self belief that you’ll get through it

Don’t listen to what people say,

So what if it took you a bit longer to heal?

No one said it was going to be instant,

No one said it was going to be easy,

But it can be done

How many battles have you so effortlessly fought through already?

Plenty right?

Well keep on fighting,

I promise you you’ll make it

Cry if you need to,

Cry if you have to,

But don’t ever get to the point in which you depend on a cry
As that is when you learn that your wound never healed..

It’s just that it got deeper.

Black Girl, Black Boy

Black girl, black boy..

We both have this struggle where society doesn’t really value us as much as the whites,

And people can come and say I’m targeting the white folks but I’m just saying the truth..

The truth that you may not want to hear but have to hear.

Black boy,

I know it’s hard,

I know life is hard,

But please understand that you don’t have to put down black girls.. we’re both equally as beautiful

We support you,

We root for you,

We appreciate you,

And we love you..

So when it comes to us black girls, why can’t some of you do the same?

Some on Twitter bash us and I don’t know whether it’s for retweets or whether they’re being serious but it’s not cool..

You can tweet whatever you want to tweet about other races but don’t drag down black girls when doing so,

We don’t like it,

It’s embarrassing

It hurts us.. and I’ll tell you why

It hurts us because we as black women will always fight for and support our black men,

We’ve got your back,

We love you and appreciate you..

So for you to always be dragging us and putting us down.. it’s not a good look,

On you or on our race.

You don’t see other races dragging their own people or putting them down,

So why are we as a black race slacking?

That is a question that I’m yet to find the answer to.

Black girl,

You are beautiful,

You are loved,

You are appreciated,

It doesn’t matter what these boys say.

Keep shining and keep elevating,

Keep showing them why you are a beautiful black queen,

Continue supporting your black men and your fellow black queens,

Trust me you’re doing great,

Society may not value us the way we value ourselves or our fellow black people,

But I know as a race we’ll one day come together and become one.

We will make a change and will become that change.